The Blade

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily.
I'm numb to the pain, numb to the blood
to numb to realize whats happening.
One cut follows another, and another
Till I cant stop.
The razor falls from my hand
blood drips down my arm,
tears roll down my face,
What have I done? I think to myself
I've failed. Again
The voices take over of me. They take control of me.
You no longer rule your body.
You no longer own those right.
You will wake up when we say so.
You will sleep when we shut out the lights.
Enjoy your stay cause you cant run away.
Tears stain her face,
heartbreak leaves a scar,
the blade cuts thru her skin,
blood flowing down her wrist,
just wishing,things didn't end this way,
hoping for the best,
but not caring anymore.

Awesome Beauty

When the golden sunset
Sets over the amber hills
And when the moon shines bright
And all the world stands still
There is beauty, awesome beauty
God took the dust and formed a man
He paints each sunrise with His hand
He took all the love within His heart
And gave us beauty from the start
There's beauty, awesome beauty
When the storm clouds come
And thunder rolls
When skies are dark
And it hardens the soul
There's beauty, awesome beauty
God took all the love within His heart
And gave us beauty from the start
There's beauty, awesome beauty
Through every age, there is a call
To admire the creation, He gave it to us all
It is beauty, awesome beauty
See the beauty, hear the call
Enjoy the life He gave us, He gave it to us all
God took the love in His heart
And gave us beauty from the start
There's beauty, awesome beauty

Inside

For the first time in a long time, she broke down into tears.
They were for all the sadness that she kept inside for years.
It started out quiet, then grew till they couldn't stop.
They just kept flowing down her face, salty, wet, and hot.
She was known as unbreakable, but inside she was frail,
and everyday she braved the gossip and let the insults hail.
Her back against the wall with no strength left to fight.
No where left to go, no one to make things right.
Her smile hides her pain as she covers up the fear,
inside her soul she was drowning in all her unshed tears.
She leans up against the bedroom was as her will began to slip,
finally the world goes quiet as the knife begins to slit.
And tomorrow no one will notice the cuts all on her wrists.
They pay her no attention because to them she doesn't exists.

Dark was her journey, not sure what she's worth,
Constant yet silent tears she cried, not sure what could be worse
Here with a world of remorse.
But what is apparent with each slice she make?
Am she closer to freedom or death by mistake?
Long drops the pain, she knows she will be done,
but only when her kingdom comes.
She know that she shouldn't, but these voices just won't stop.
Breathing quickens, eyes cloud, blood rushes quick and hot.
Overcome with the feeling of darkness, overcome with relief,
I put myself together slowly piece by piece.

Things girls like

This ones about what girls would want a guy to do for them. List format! Ready? ......

                                                  GO!!!! hehe :)

1. Make them smile when they're down. Always make them laugh
2. Compliment them. And be specific! (Boys, girls love it when you tell her exactly what you like about her: her hair, her laugh, the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs, stuff like that)
3. Stand up for her. Be protective and possessive (but not so much as your suffocating her. That will just end badly for you)
4. Hug us from behind
5. When she's talking, kiss her.
6. Pick us up and spin us around
7. Sing for us, no matter how bad you think your voice is, we think it's adorable!
8. Dance with us when there isn't any music
9. Give us random flowers or a rose. It makes us feel loved and happy :)
10. Go a little old fashioned: write her letters and notes and put them in her locker or send it to her classroom. I know it might be hard for some guys to actually remember how to write something instead of texting it, but we like it because its more memorable.
11. Whisper in our ears.
12. Never let us win the "I Love You More" game. Some guys think it's stupid, but it's entertaining and it's sweet :)
13. If you can, write her a poem
14. Get her mad then run after her and kiss her and tell her how much you love her.
15. Tell her the little things you notice about her. We get surprised when you notice those things.
16. Surprise her with one of her favorite things
17. Tell her your favorite things about her

   Honestly, I could go on but that would be weird haha. What I find weird is that all the things guys think are stupid and lame, girls LOVE. So guys, swallow your pride and just do it!

What I can't Be

   Yeah so.. I find myself thinking back to 7th and 8th grade.. I was that girl that never had her first kiss, never had a boyfriend. And my friends were all talking about it and I was that girl that would never do anything to hurt him. I would never cheat on him or anything and the thought of having a friend with benefits was icky and in 7th grade the thought of girls being attractive was weird. I never would have even thought I would become who I am.. If someone came up to me when I was like 4 and told me all the things I would have done and things that would have happened, I would have laughed at them or started to cry. I'm always thinking about who I used to be and who I am now. I have a constant feeling of wanting to change things that I can't change and that really is a burden to your life.
 
   Regret for me is my worst enemy. Almost every decision I make I look at what I did wrong rather than what I did right. It's so hard wanting to change your self but you can't. And if you try to look at that as an obstacle in life, you find yourself stuck. You find yourself with no way out.. Sometimes, I don't put on my glasses and look in the mirror. And I like it because I can't see the person in the mirror, that person that, everyday since 1st grade, I've fought against. Everyday, I fight a war against that person and everyday over and over again, they win. That person in the mirror represents everything I will never and cannot be..

The Time

There's a time to rest and a time to run,
   A time to move and a time to be still.
There's a time to laugh and a time to cry,
   A time to win and a time to loose.
There's a time to scream and a time to sob,
   A time to smile and a time to dance.
There's a time to hug and a time to be with others,
   A time to be alone and to be quiet.
There's a time to love and a time to hate,
   A time to party and a time to sleep.
There's a time to be completely yourself,
  And a time to act like everyone else.
There's a time to love others,
   And a time to let yourself be loved.
There's a time to forgive and a time to forget,
   A time to be broken and a time to pick up the pieces.
There's a time to fight for him and a time to let him go,
   A time for absolutely everything and a time for nothing at all.
There's a time to break down and let it all out,
   And a time to pretend like it's all ok.

At First

At first I thought we would be just friends
But little did we know, our friendship would bend
into a love so big for the world to see,
that you and me were ment to be.
Sun or snow, rain or shine,
forever and always, you will be mine.
Mine for me, mine to be,
Mine for all eternity.
All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart,
for us to be together, ot never be apart.
No one else in the world could compare.
You're perfect and so is the love that we share.
Yes we have our troubles, yes we have our fights,
but what it all comes down to is me wishing you were here tonight.
We have so much more then I thought we ever could.
I promise to give you all I have to give,
I'll  do anything for you as long as I live.
In your eyes, I see out present future, and past,
by the way you look at me now, I know that we will last.
I hope that one day you will come to realize
How perfect you are when seen through my eyes <3

Eternally The Night That Will Last Forever

His eyes. Blue as the sea and as beautiful as summer.
His hair. Golden with a tint of the rainbow.
His hands. Course and strong in mine.
His heart. Big as the earth and in time with mine.

   By the fire, you had your arms around me. Your mother said something to your father about their 25 year anniversary coming up. You leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I think we can make it 25 years." My heart skipped a beat then went twice the speed. I smiled up at you and resisted the urge to kiss you in front of everyone. I squeezed you and lay my head on your chest and watched the roaring fire and listened to the beat of your heart.

   In the car, you held me. You whispered to me to never leave you and that I was your world. And I whispered back that I would never leave you. The street lights highlighted your face and made your eyes as bright as the stars that were dancing above us. You held me tighter. I fell asleep and dreamed of us sitting by the fire where we just were, the moment lasting forever.

Crystal Tears

Slick with water, black as smoke.
The pounding rain brings little hope.
Pounding headaches, Thudding heart,
Everything horribly wrong, my world's falling apart.
Weeping soul, shoes slapping the ground,
The world is stopped, silence all around.
The lights flicker off, look behind you, now!
You feel someone's there, but the question is how?
You had run from that place, so far, so fast.
No one would ever follow you. You thought you were alone at last.
But you can hear them, and your heart's beating so loud.
You try to stop the sobbing, you try not to make a sound.
But the crystal tears still brim over your eyes.
You cannot hid them, to long have you lied
You feel them behind you, and the tears fall harder yet.
They spin you around, you see who it is and you hug them around the neck.
And he just holds you and whispers, "It's all gonna be all right."
You know it won't be, but who knows? Maybe you'll finally have a peaceful night.
When you finally stop crying, he hugs you and kisses away your tears.
He looks you in the eye and you see it. The love you've needed for years.
His gentle hands trace your face, every single line.
He gently says, "When tears roll down your face, I swear a part of me dies."
And so you stop those crystal tears from pouring down your face.
Your heart beat returns to normal, his beat matching yours, pace for pace.

Reality

    Just because you're breathing, does it really mean you're living? If you're looking at something, are you really seeing it? If you're hearing something, are you actually believing it, or are you just hearing meaningless words? Is this world real, or is is just a dream and a nightmare that we can't wake from until we.... die?
 
     Nothing will ever truly make sense to me, you, or anyone else until the end. All we know that is certain is that nothing is set in stone because everything is changing. And all those people that say they aren't scared of anything and act fearless are lying to both themselves and those around them. Everyone and everything is scared of something. They always will be; for every second, of very minute, of every day. For the rest of their lives.

     The only good thing about all of this is that no matter how hard we fall or whatever happens in the world, we can always fall back into a familiar place or pattern. Whether it's an actual place or it's just a state of mind, you can always fall back to it no matter whats going wrong or however you feel. Whether it's a friend or a feeling, never let that thing go if it makes you feel safe. If it makes you feel safe, hold on to that illusion as long as you possibly can. Hold on tight, NEVER let it go, and give whoever tries to take it from you bloody hell.

Your Song

1.Stay with me. Baby, stay with me. 

Please dont leave me alone. 

Talk with me. Baby, talk ith me,

tell me all about the unknown. 

I can see you there in the TV light

our hands clasped, you held on tight

your pale blue eyes, on me. 

You look at me then you shut the door

I thought I couldn't love you more, then i did right then

Your head leaned in

C: Well I'm not sure where this is gonna lead 

But as my eyes close, all i see 

is you face, with your eyes closed,

the stars abouve us, next thing i know,

Im holding my breath as your moving in

I feel your hands as they touch my skin.

Your love, you said you wont run, 

So kiss me slowly

2. Walk with me. Baby, walk with me,

to the edge of all the unknown.

I showed you everything that I know,

on that tree, down that road.

The day was long. Your arms were strong.

You were there when I fell apart

you peiced together my broken heart. 

You said you'd never let me go. Ohh..

(C.)

Bridge: Don't run away..

You said youd never leave me.

I cant remember last time i felt this way;

Perfectly happy and o-so-safe.

I love you for all that you are. Mijo you dont have to run.

I promise, I will not go away. 

(C)

I'm not sure where this is gonna go,

but in this moment, all I know 

is your lips, your gaze, oh I'll never forget your love 

I hold me breath as you pull me in

Your lips kiss the scars on my skin.

Don't let go, say you won't run

Just kiss me slowly

An old email I found in my drafts...

   So yeah, this was an old email I found in my drafts I was going to send to my boyfriend. We've been going out for 4 months so far, but he still doesn't do a lot of these. I don't care though. I'm in love with him, even if he isn't completely perfect. :7 Who knows? Maybe he will stumble upon it and take a little hint. Oh look whats at the bottom of the letter..! I mean it though Lqtm :)

   "I hate how insecure I am.. I hate how I can't believe any good thing someone says about me because of my past. People betrayed me and left me alone when I was literally bleeding out, and they laughed at my pain. I hate how when I told you this, and how you said that it was normal. You didn't react to when I told you how broken I was. I know that I over think things but.. I don't know.. There's a lot of things that annoys me about you because you tell me you love me then act as if you don't want to be around me. You say one thing then you act another. When I tell you this you get irritated because you also don't like how I'm insecure.. But I don't like it either.. I don't like being insecure about everything I do.. And most guys tell their girlfriends they're beautiful or comfort them when they tell them sad things or smile when they see them.. You never told me I'm beautiful or comforted me when I told you something that scared me or made me sad or smiled when you saw me.. I want you to be possessive.. I'm YOURS, but you need to act like it. Act like you never want to let me go..

   And today you finally acted like you cared. You took me in your arms and we sat there and I felt a tingle in my stomach. I love you, so so much. I love it when you and I are lying down and cuddling and you whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I love it when you hold me so close and kiss me. I love it when you act like I mean everything to you. I love the way you walk with your hands in your pockets. I love when you smile and laugh. I love when you look at me like you love me. I love your eyes. I love when you sing when you don't think anyone is listening. I love how you hold me close. I love that look you get on your face when you play the piano. I love the feeling of your hands in mine and I love the feeling of your hands touching my bare skin. I love those insanely rare moments when your romantic and possessive/ protective and say exactly what I need to hear, not just saying what you think is right or statistically correct or whatever else. You were my best friend before we started dating. You know I'm a hopeless romantic and I love all that mushy stuff like notes in my locker or a rose or sneaking up on me and putting your arms around my waist. I don't know, make me pissed off at you then run after me and kiss me until I fall in love all over again. 

   And I'm probably never going to send this because I'm too chicken shit but I don't care i just had to write it down so the thoughts didn't suffocate me.. Who knows? Maybe someday you'll read this and actually do some of it.."

What he doesn't know

what happens when everything falls apart?

what happens when the person who matters most to you, just .. leaves?

what happens when you have no one left?

what happens when everything falls apart?

what happens when something so perfect turns out so bad?

what happens when the persons whose opinion matters most , just disappears?

what happens when the only thing you wanna do is cry your eyes out but can't ?

what happens when you love that person so much but they just don't understand how you feel for them?

what happens when you miss this one person so much and can't do anything about it?

I would kill to be with you right now,

I would kill to be in your arms right know,

I would kill for everything to be okay between you & me,

I would kill for you to be here with me forever,

I would kill for this feeling in my heart to go away,

I would kill for you to just tell me that everythings okay,

I would kill just to have you tell me that you love me, one more time ,

I would kill for you to just to comfort me,

all I need, is your arms around me,

all I need, is the feeling of your breath in my ear,

telling me everything's okay and telling me you love me & you'll love me forever .

all I need is for you to comfort me ,

all I need is for you to assure me that everything will be all right ,

all I need is to run away from everything.

but what I need the most, is for me to be with you .

only me & you, against the world ,

baby, I love you,

don't doubt it.

and out of all the people I say it to,

it means the most when I tell you

I love you so much more than youll ever know <3

The Mask

      The Beauty Beneath Mask                  


Let me be hidden beneath this dark veil

Let this long still silence prevail

I was scared, a coward and fool

I should have chosen silence over lies and falsehood

The mask empowered me with security, strength, and spirit

Bold, loud, unafraid. Here I stand, sky's the limit

Let me convey with what was never said

Away from the world, it is here where I bled

I spoke with words that usually went unspoken

My mind recalled back to when I was utterly broken

It was you who reached out your hand, a bright and shining light,
An amazing, shimmering, shining spark, a star in this dark night.

It was a dark and dreary place, that time

Nothing was right and hard was the climb

I was the mascot of a world with many flaws

Insecurities and society chokes me with their claws

For all the imperfections beheld in me

There isn't a thing you haven’t seen

I always need reassurance that you'll always mine

I don’t need another life, just a little more time

All I need is for the world to stay at a distance

So I can hold you, kiss you, love you in this amazing timeless existence

Introduction!!! :D

   Alright, this is a little intro to my blog I suppose. Haha well.. My name is Lexxi Diamond. I live in California but was adopted when I was 2 from South Carolina with my twin brother. I'm 5 foot 6 1/2 with golden brown hair and eyes that change with my mood (green- normal, lighter green- good mood, blue- insanely happy, grey- terrified, nervous, or very pissed off).

   

   I'm a hopeless flirt and sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it, so sorry in advance :/  I'm bi too so I see things from everyones point of view.\ I'm very protective of the people I love, so if you hurt them, it wont end well for you. I love a lot of people, show my affection in a physical way (like hugging or touching and such) and am a complete, total, and hopeless romantic :)

If you want to win my heart, you have to be funny, sweet, kind, smart, romantic, and able to have fun. Doesn't hurt to be a bad boy either ;) Haha I have a kind of querky sense of humor and love awkward people. I can a dork and a weirdo, but when a situation calls for it, I can be deep and give pretty good advice from what I'm told. Whatever you tell me will be kept in complete and total secrecy and I will do my best to help you :)

   This blog is going to have stories about my life, poems, stories, and maybe pictures :) Some my be dark, some my be about love, and others might just be random shit so just bare with me ok? Ok awesome. Haha